Childish Nonsense

Today is supposed to be the day that I clean and pack away my room so I can try and escape the drudgery of my parents' house. During this exercise I happened across a book that once acted as a diary. Some of the contents are dreadful and my eyes bleed with embarrassment when I flick through it at points. However, I have decided that there are little things in there that I want to preserve if only to demonstrate the extent to which I have changed since University. After this I will throw it away in another attempt to slightly reinvent myself.
So don't judge the current me, judge the old me. Italics are current me's interjections.

• Tonight is the night that I start writing in this; my proper diary book. I remember when I found my brother's diary in the summer. All the pages with writing on had been torn out but on the cover was still a warning to those who wanted to read it. It reads (I have just found it again in the room so I will quote it directly rather than my diary's flawed recounting): "To the thieving dog who's reading this; I know where you live and I'm going to hunt you down and rip you to shreds. You are dead meat." My brother is a stand-up guy.  
• The vacuum cleaner exploded today. This was Sam's fault but of course I was the one whose face was right next to it when a massive cloud of smoke and dust erupted from it. To make matters worse I am allergic to dust and asthmatic. I wonder if I could turn this into another almost dying story to regail others with. Did you know that I have only just had my first Christmas for 3 years? Everyone else does. Now I would love to forgoe Christmases. For whatever reason.
• Sometimes when I light a cigarette and take the first drag I feel like I should be about to tell a story. Unfortunately I only have one and most people have heard it already. The Purple Wombat. I have others now as well. 
• Today when I went to OneStop a man said hello to me as I left. I said hello back but I didn't understand why he said hello as we weren't walking dogs (at a rave!). I have no idea what the rave thing meant. Step thought I was being ridiculous. He can expect a punching.
• I have only one fish finger left. I wonder how I will eat it and in what context. Perhaps I will have a main meal and add it to the mix. However, they take a long time to make and are not even made from cod anymore. I cannot taste the difference but the principle is still there. Maybe I won't even bother.
• Sometimes I think that I am quite laid back. Recently I have found this to be false because I am, in fact, just lazy and forgetful. This works 50/50. I could die because I forget how to use the brakes in a bar or because I am too lazy to escape a fire. But I definitely won't die from stress.
• I heard that Chernobyl happened because two men were doing an experiment seeing how many things they could turn off before it all went wrong. I don't believe this because only clever people would be allowed to work in that place. If it is true, then they should have called their game 'deliberately killing lots of people and creating mutants'. I am not sure if I actually believed that sci-fi style mutants are actually walking around chernobyl but it is possible that computer games and intoxicants had destroyed my brain at this point.

After this there is a account of staying awake all night and some disturbing illustrations and then this list of words and definitions:

• Ashton Glee - Fuck You
• Astroturf - A word to replace c*nt
• Aztec - Brilliant
• Olympic - Better than aztec
• Silk Milkshake - Far too disgusting to write on here.
• Mookey Flookey - Good Luck!
• Handful - Wanker
• Ruby Dee - Don't walk.

Then this list of 'cocktails' invented  by yours truly (some a really nice):

• Earthworm - Mickey Finns, coke and gin.
• Emerald Lion - Mickey Finns, gin and lemonade. Does not work as an icecream soda.
• Flaming Lion - Strongbow, Southern Comfort and Orange Bacardi Breezer.
• Golden Shower - White wine, sparkling flavoured water, cider and vodka. Utterly delicious.
• Cloudy Period - Port, Frosty Jacks and Fanta.
• Frosty Bergs - Frosty Jacks and Carlsberg.
• Blodd - Frosty Jacks, Port and Carlsberg.

And there you have it. An embarrassing period of my life characterised in something even more so. I do like the illustrations though I may keep them.

Another Reluctant Guide to Decisions.

Here is where we delve into the abyss of personal decision making. In this part two (part one here) we look at how to make decisions for yourself without really having to make decisions. Hopefully this will ease the pain of using your brain to map out your life.

1. Role Model: In order to ensure that you live a life that you are pleased with it is a good idea to have a role model. Choose someone whose life you admire and then whenever a decision crops up you can think 'What would -insert name here- do?" A lot of people use Jesus but that guy lived milleniums ago and would probably do crazy things like run away or smashing when confronted with computer problems or computers in general. Also it is best not to choose someone who is insane or evil even if they are impressive. For example do not choose Steve Irwin if you want to live and definitely do not choose a dictator for obvious reasons (e.g. bad hairstyles). Try to keep the same one because it will seem odd if you change your behaviour from day-to-day. "Yesterday he was acting just like Gandhi but today it is Batman. Let us never associate with him again", people will cry. Unfortunately I chose my nickname sake and this has caused me problems. Roaring, whilst commanding attention, does not bring fear and obedience and licking oneself clean is much more hassle than a shower. Also, breathing on statues does nothing at all. How am I supposed to raise my army?
2. Other People: This is obvious. Always do things based on what people will agree with. Even more than that always do the thing that people will be impressed by. This can vary between different observers so the best way to decide is based on what will impress the group of people that you want to copulate with. Hence why I write (it is not working yet).
3. Coin toss: Recognise this? I hoped you would. Much in the same way as in part one, this is not as simple as it looks. Instead of measuring other people's reaction to the coin toss look at your own. Are you happy or sad at what the coin said? After this you will know what to do. Sometimes I do not even toss a coin I just imagine my reaction at the different outcomes. However the amount of psychological control needed for this exercise sometimes makes me pass out so it is not recommended.
4. Money: This is two-fold. What will bring you the most money? Do that. What will cost you the most money? Don't do that. Happiness is not an important factor.
5. Ease: This is the most important part of decision making in many cases. Think about what will be easiest for you. Without having to think about anything else you should have your answer. Apparently doing nothing at all is very rewarding.
6. Wait: Really not interested in making a decision? Then just wait. Many choices expire after a certain amount of time and then you will only have one course of action left. This is the best method of decision making as you do not actually make any decisions. Sometimes it is best to let the Universe guide you through life while you do little in the way of effort. It should be noted that it is handy to enjoy living with your parents with no money or prospects if you employ this method.

So now that I have dispensed this invaluable advice by which you can all live your life what are you going to do for me? All suggestions and donations welcome.

A Reluctant Guide to Decisions

Howdy y'all. Are you the kind of person that hates making decisions? Is this condition made worse when you are making a decision that affects other people and they also hate making decisions? Well if the answer to either, both or neither of those questions is yes then you are in luck. Here are some handy tips on how to make other people make decisions for you or, if you absolutely have to, make decisions yourself.

First of all the easiest thing to do when deciding on a course of action for you and somebody else is to have them make the decision, Unfortunately many other people would prefer someone else to make those kinds of decisions and will be reluctant to concede. In these scenarios it is handy to have some ironclad reasons why they should be making this decision.

1. They are older: If they are older than you by any amount of days then it makes perfect sense why they should be in charge of things.
2. They are younger: They are naive and therefore their decisions will not be tainted by the cruel realities of the world that you have encountered.
3. They are the host/guest: Hosts are responsible for the activities they are hosting. Guests should be given the chance to decide what they want to do. When this is in regards to towns and cities rather than someone's home then this is even more useful. Hosts have all the knowledge required to make that decision on activity. Guests will be in the unique position of not having experienced everything like yourself and should choose what they want to do in the locality. 
4. It is their birthday: This might seem like a limited excuse. However it can be extended to birthday weeks and even months increasing the usefulness of the excuse. Also they can be reminded that they never made a birthday decision like they were obligated to and so it can last indefinitely (especially if they are forgetful).
5. The fake decision: Choose something that you know they will not enjoy. It is best to choose something utterly horrendous but not too outlandish or they will realise your plan. When they protest; demand that they suggest something instead as you have already made a decision. 
6. The fake fake decision: This is a course of action to be used when you would like to do something but you are afraid of how people will react to the choice. Make it seem that you are making the decision in protest in having been made to make it. Either you get to do what you want or someone else will take control. For this I coined the term 'win-win scenario' because whatever happens you win. 
7. Coin toss: You might think that this is obvious. You are wrong! This is the most complex option because it involves psychology (the art of mind control). Procure two options. Assign coin sides. Flip coin. When the coin has made a decision observe the reaction of those you are with. If it is positive then retain that decision. If it is negative then defy the coin. This is also good because it can make you seem powerful and assertive to the extent that you can alter fate. People will worship you.

The above actions are at their most effective when you are with just one other person but can be used with larger groups with some tweaking. 

As this entry has already turned out longer than expected I will explore the terrifying notion of making decisions for yourself in the next one. To tide you over however, I shall make one decision for you. You need to donate to my friend's sponsored walking right now! He is climbing peaks as a defiant "fuck you!" to brain tumours. This is a noble cause and he invites you to join the chorus. 

Visit the site http://www.justgiving.com/threepeaks-24hrs ASAP. Like now.